Last night I watched something amazing as America voted Barack Obama to be the next president of the Unites States. I feel so blessed to be a part of this historical moment. It truly is a sign of good things yet to come. I teared up last night looking at the crown gathered in Chicago and realizing how meaningful this moment was to so many people. I have been crying on and off all morning...not out of sadness, but it is almost an undefinable feeling. So many emotions are swirling around inside of me. Watching the clips of Martin Luther King's speech, and realizing 45 years later that he has finally won the battle he fought so hard for, utimately losing his life. That is beyond awesome! Thinking about the people who in a lifetime were considered beneath most Americans and are now seeing Obama as president of the U.S. Priceless! My only hope that in some small way this can ease a bit of their pain. Nothing can make that horribly ignorant time disappear, but maybe it can fade just a little. Not to erase it from history, but to show that the fight was not in vain. I watched my son this morning, and was grateful that he does not yet know why this victory was so important. He was excited about Obama's winning, but thought nothing of the color of his skin. In his five years on this earth he has not been made aware of racial differences and the ignorance that breeded so much hate many years ago. Part of me wanted to educate him on why last night was such a life changing event, but I did not want to open his mind to the stupidity that was so prevelant years ago. He will learn about the atrocities that occurred in school at some point, but for now he can remain oblivious. After all he is the perfect example of how much the United States has changed for the better. His ignorance is brilliant, and will hopefully be found in every child, as we change this society for the better.
In the past year or so Mr. Big Boy has became his own little person. Sometimes he catches me off guard with the maturity of his questions. For example, the a couple of weeks ago he asked me, "Mommy, If I died would you be sad?" I quickly tried to explain how sad I would be. Then he said, "You wouldn't just be happy with Mr. Babyman(his little brother)?" I explained to him if he was gone there would be a big hole in my heart forever, and even though I also loved his brother, things just wouldn't be the same. These questions about death make me very uncomfortable for a number of reasons. I don't want to think about something happen to my two delightful boys. The thought makes my stomach tense up and a feeling of dread overtakes me. I read stories, and watch shows about people who have lost children. I can't get through them without breaking down and crying myself. I also do not like to think about me dying, and my children being left without a mother. Would they know how much I love them? Would the always remember me?
It feels like in the past couple of years I have become more aware of the possibilty of death. It never was a big issue in my youth. I think when a person is young, you almost feel invincible. Dying is something that happens when you are older, much older. Now it is a worry in the back of my mind that only creeps out from time to time. Mr. Big Boy speaks about it so nonchantly that it scares me. He is only just learning of it, and has never really had to deal with it on a personal level with someone close to him. Of course this is the way I want it to stay for as long as possible. These thoughts make me want to make the most of every day, and work hard to become the person that I want to be.
In the past year or so I have read a lot of information about using more natural products. So I have tried to incorporate this into our daily life. We recycle like crazy. Even my Mr. Big Boy checks the bottom of things looking for the triangle. We have purchased the new CFL light bulbs. I no longer throw away batteries, but instead they are saved for that magical day they get taken to the proper place for them. I also have quite the collection of printer cartridges. I try very hard to not buy food items with high fructose corn syrup. You would be amazed at how much stuff has that in it. Our other enemy is hydrogenated anything. I try to make a lot of things from scratch. It really isn't that much work, and it tastes so much better than all of that processed stuff. Of course our grocery bill is a bit higher, but I think that is a fair trade for healthier living. I bought a couple of reusable bags for stores, but they rarely make it in the store with me. I do reuse the grocery bags for trash or lunch. I use the Clorox line of cleaning products called Green Works. I stopped buying those incredibly handy cleaning wipes. I still get paper towels, but I try to use a rag instead of them as often as I can. I do not use cloth diapers, but I wish I did. I dream of having my own garden and a compost pile. Of course we are not perfectly green, but maybe someday we will get there.
September 24th 2008 19:58
Has anyone heard of a wind storm that clocked speeds at 70-80 mph? I never had until it happened to us last Sunday. Courtesy of Hurricane Ike our little wind storm caused 300,000 people lost their power, and we were one of them. So we spent 8 days without a luxury that we usually take for granted. It definitely gave me a better appreciation for our friend electricity. The one bright spot was that we have a gas water heater. I can handle just about anything as long as I get my daily hot shower. Mr. Big Boy was out of school all week, but of course grownups rarely get to miss school. So we spent a lot of time hanging out with friends and relatives during the day. We came to our dark home in the evening just in time for bed time. I was very reluctant to mess up the sleep situations for the boys. Sleep is precious, and if I can prevent a sleepless night for myself I will do whatever it takes!! So after the boys were asleep I was faced with the dilemna of entertaining myself. Of course my fiance was out of town for work, convenient I know. He really wanted to be here, that is what he told me repeatedly (cue eye roll)! So I would call him and beg him to talk to me, which of course was like pulling teeth. What is with guys and having a phone conversation over five minutes? So it was early to bed for me as well. The funny thing is that I usually want to turn in early when we have electricity, but when I have to that is another story. All in all it wasn't that bad, and it was kind of nice to visit with people rather than stare at a TV or computer. I found myself wanting to vacumn so bad. I also had a the fun experience of cleaning out the fridge at 5 am one morning because I couldn't sleep. We had to throw out all of our food, but our fridge was in desperate need of a good cleaning. Anyone else have a similar story to share?
I know anyone that anyone who is a mom is familiar with the term mommy guilt. It seems to be something that we were born with, and it shows its ugly head the moment we become pregnant. Every decision has to be thought about from every angle, and even after so much careful thought you will worry about the choice you have made. Mommy guilt does not reserve itself for the big stuff either...you can feel it on even the smallest issues. For example, your child asks for a piece of candy, and you say no. Way to go you, right? NO!! Now you start asking yourself...what's the big deal? Its just one piece of candy. Why do you always have to be so uncool? Your child probably wishes he had Sally's parents who always let her have candy whenever she wants. Why must you be the one who is so worried about their teeth and health in general? You can see how tormenting this can be for a mom. In a day you probably make many decisions, some big and some are small. So if you are constantly second guessing yourself how do you have the time do anything else? You don't of course, and that is why you feel guilty about the house not being spic- and- span. You worry that your husband or significant other thinks you nag them too much...which of course you do because if you didn't would anything ever get done? NO!!
So what we are seeing is that guilt can come from anywhere...and we are helpless to its evil voice. I'm sure that their are a few moms out there who don't have this issue...Those are the ones I aspire to be like. I would love to be confident in my choices...hopefully someday I willl!
The title says it all, that is who I am. I probably spend more time thinking about taking care of stuff then the time it actually takes to do it. In my head tasks can seem monementous, but then when I do them its a piece of cake. You would think that last revelation would make me do them right away, but of course it gives me more time to add to the procrastionation clock. Now that I am in school...there is always a school task that I could be doing at the moment. Of course my brain seems to be in protest mode, and I just do not want to exert any extra effort to this school work. Now that I have children it gives me even a bigger case for procrastination. There is always something to be done with them as well. So it is just a circle that cannot be broken, or can it? This habit that I seem to love also contributes to my stress level. Even though you are not doing the thing you keep putting off, you are still stressing about it. So maybe my goal for this week could be to just do it. Why not complete the homework assignment on the day it was given? What a feeling that would be to not have anything to stress about. Let me rephrase that, what a great feeling that would be to not have to stress about an upcoming task. Being a mom there is a certain amount of things that are always on the stress docket. For example: children's emotional and physical health, are you doing a good job as a parent, wife, significant other...pet caretaker, housekeeper....the list could go on and on. So my promise for the week is to just do it...will let you know how it goes! Stay tuned!
So on Monday classes started for me...four days a week I have classes. This means that on the days I have classes I'm driving all over town. First I need to take the youngest Mr. Babyman somewhere, and then take Mr. Big Boy to school...oh and then I take myself to school. I was 5 minutes late three out of the four days, but it doesn't bother me. When you are lucky enough to have some fabulous friends who are willing to watch your children without getting compensation...you do whatever it takes. So what if I have to leave my house at 7:30 and spend a hour and a half driving all over town? I can take comfort in the fact that Mr. Babyman is in the hands of some quality people. It was an adjustment for Mr. Babyman, since he has been with momma pretty much nonstop for the first 12 months of his life. He is one laid back baby, and took it in stride. Of course, when I go to pick him up he only wants one thing: Milky milk. We are still working on our weaning, and I feel we are making progress. This week I will start leaving the cow's milk with people so they can start giving it to him. The dream is that he takes it from them...and then his love of the cow's milk replaces the other. I know I could be reaching here, but I like to be positive!
Mr. Babyman is now 12 1/2 months old...he has been breastfed from day one. So now it's time to start weaning the little guy. I had high hopes of him doing it himself...losing interest...afterall, he has way more important things to do these days like walk or babble in his special language. It almost seems that he has gained interest though. He has taken a drink of the sippy cups of cow's milk offered him...then turned his head in distaste. I have been trying to adhere to an every four hour schedule, and that has worked fairly well. Except for the day he was teething really bad, and it was every 2 1/2 hours. Yesterday he went for a total of 6 1/2 hours without it, but he was asleep for about 2 hours of that time. I will still take that as progress though. Under no circumstances will he get fed after waking up in the middle of the night though...well, as long as it is earlier than 5:30 am. It is kind of hard to change your mentality from baby needing it as his source of nourishment to it being the beverage of choice. I am not looking forward to the pain and discomfort associated with weaning, and I have heard of this bringing on a big case of the blues. I don't want to be depressed...wouldn't you think your body would be happy to have it's parts back? I have went throught this before, but I stopped breastfeeding his brother a little before 3 months. So I wasn't as attached to the processs. Now you probably have seen part of the problem...I am sad to let this go, but the other part of me can't wait. Oh what a tangled web of emotions keeps weaving it's way inside of me! This is why Mr. Babyman needs to just take matters into his own hands, and say "Enough with the milky milk, just give me what everyone else is having!"
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