So I haven't written a new blog in about 6 months. What's the deal you ask? Well I was feeling super swamped with everything going on in my life. Now the dust has settled, and I can breathe again. So here is what has happened since my last blog. I finally graduated with my bachelor's degree in English. Yah for being a college graduate!! What's next you ask? I have no idea, seriously everyday I think of a new idea for my life. Of course each idea is completely different...so who knows! Mr. Big Boy will be 6 next month. He will also be a first grader in August. Mr. Babyman will be 2 in August. I will be 29 in two days. This makes me want to scream. I don't know what 29 is suppose to feel like, but I sure don't feel like it. My fiance and I are nowhere close to getting married, but we will be by the end of summer. This is my goal. I really wanted to be married by my birthday, but it doesn't look like that will happen. I'm enjoying every minute of summer vacation with my boys. All is right with the world when my two boys are with me everyday. This is the summer where I will discover what I want to do with the rest of my life. Wish me luck!
So I have to say that Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love the feeling that this time of year gives to the world around us. I love the Christmas trees decorated so uniquely by their owners. I love the lights on the houses as you drive by. I love the mall decorated for Christmas, filled with people looking for gifts. I love the stores filled with gifts and Christmas decorations. I love buying people Christmas gifts. I love trying to show my two boys how delightful this time of year is. I love the story of baby Jesus, the reason for this celebration. I love doing my holiday baking. I love the new tradition we started last year of Kris Kringling family members. This year we are going to do two runs, one for family, and one for friends. I love listening to Christmas music over and over everyday. I love sending out Christmas cards. I love getting my boys pictures made with Santa. I love Santa Claus and his elves. I love watching Christmas movies, even the cheesy ones!! I just really love this time of year!! Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! Happy Hannuakah! Happy Kwanzaa!
Our breastfeeding days are finally out of here. We have not nursed in 4 day, and there is no turning back now. Mr. Babyman turned 15 months old a couple of days ago.....he is growing up. He is really not a baby anymore, but I will be calling him that for at least a couple of more months. We started out the weaning process by dropping a feeding, and then another, and so on and so forth. We had just dropped it down to the morning feeding, and about a week and half later the Mr. Babyman slept in till a little after 7. He never does that! I had to wake him up so we could get the show on the road. He did not display any of his normal interest in feeding. It really wasn't an interest, as it was a demand. This day there was none of that, so I took that as my cue to drop the habit. Of course every morning since then has been pure torture, with Mr. Babyman waking up anywhere from 4:30-5:30. Today, the 4th day was the first day he actually went back to sleep. I have been strong though, but it hasn't been easy. I do kind of miss our little bonding period every day. Of course we still have it, but it is just different. I think Mr. Babyman feels like he has lost a dear friend. He cries "MiMi" from time to time throughout the day. I just ignore it, and he forgets about it. I know this will all become a distant memory for him, but it will stay with me forever. It is so strange how you can anticipate an event so much, but when it finally arrives it isn't as spectacular as you thought it would be. It will be nice to have my body back to myself. It will be nice to be able to leave him with others knowing they can give him everything he needs. I feel very lucky that I was able to do it for this long, and I will cherish those moments forever.
Last night I watched something amazing as America voted Barack Obama to be the next president of the Unites States. I feel so blessed to be a part of this historical moment. It truly is a sign of good things yet to come. I teared up last night looking at the crown gathered in Chicago and realizing how meaningful this moment was to so many people. I have been crying on and off all morning...not out of sadness, but it is almost an undefinable feeling. So many emotions are swirling around inside of me. Watching the clips of Martin Luther King's speech, and realizing 45 years later that he has finally won the battle he fought so hard for, utimately losing his life. That is beyond awesome! Thinking about the people who in a lifetime were considered beneath most Americans and are now seeing Obama as president of the U.S. Priceless! My only hope that in some small way this can ease a bit of their pain. Nothing can make that horribly ignorant time disappear, but maybe it can fade just a little. Not to erase it from history, but to show that the fight was not in vain. I watched my son this morning, and was grateful that he does not yet know why this victory was so important. He was excited about Obama's winning, but thought nothing of the color of his skin. In his five years on this earth he has not been made aware of racial differences and the ignorance that breeded so much hate many years ago. Part of me wanted to educate him on why last night was such a life changing event, but I did not want to open his mind to the stupidity that was so prevelant years ago. He will learn about the atrocities that occurred in school at some point, but for now he can remain oblivious. After all he is the perfect example of how much the United States has changed for the better. His ignorance is brilliant, and will hopefully be found in every child, as we change this society for the better.
In the past year or so Mr. Big Boy has became his own little person. Sometimes he catches me off guard with the maturity of his questions. For example, the a couple of weeks ago he asked me, "Mommy, If I died would you be sad?" I quickly tried to explain how sad I would be. Then he said, "You wouldn't just be happy with Mr. Babyman(his little brother)?" I explained to him if he was gone there would be a big hole in my heart forever, and even though I also loved his brother, things just wouldn't be the same. These questions about death make me very uncomfortable for a number of reasons. I don't want to think about something happen to my two delightful boys. The thought makes my stomach tense up and a feeling of dread overtakes me. I read stories, and watch shows about people who have lost children. I can't get through them without breaking down and crying myself. I also do not like to think about me dying, and my children being left without a mother. Would they know how much I love them? Would the always remember me?
It feels like in the past couple of years I have become more aware of the possibilty of death. It never was a big issue in my youth. I think when a person is young, you almost feel invincible. Dying is something that happens when you are older, much older. Now it is a worry in the back of my mind that only creeps out from time to time. Mr. Big Boy speaks about it so nonchantly that it scares me. He is only just learning of it, and has never really had to deal with it on a personal level with someone close to him. Of course this is the way I want it to stay for as long as possible. These thoughts make me want to make the most of every day, and work hard to become the person that I want to be.
In the past year or so I have read a lot of information about using more natural products. So I have tried to incorporate this into our daily life. We recycle like crazy. Even my Mr. Big Boy checks the bottom of things looking for the triangle. We have purchased the new CFL light bulbs. I no longer throw away batteries, but instead they are saved for that magical day they get taken to the proper place for them. I also have quite the collection of printer cartridges. I try very hard to not buy food items with high fructose corn syrup. You would be amazed at how much stuff has that in it. Our other enemy is hydrogenated anything. I try to make a lot of things from scratch. It really isn't that much work, and it tastes so much better than all of that processed stuff. Of course our grocery bill is a bit higher, but I think that is a fair trade for healthier living. I bought a couple of reusable bags for stores, but they rarely make it in the store with me. I do reuse the grocery bags for trash or lunch. I use the Clorox line of cleaning products called Green Works. I stopped buying those incredibly handy cleaning wipes. I still get paper towels, but I try to use a rag instead of them as often as I can. I do not use cloth diapers, but I wish I did. I dream of having my own garden and a compost pile. Of course we are not perfectly green, but maybe someday we will get there.
September 24th 2008 19:58
Has anyone heard of a wind storm that clocked speeds at 70-80 mph? I never had until it happened to us last Sunday. Courtesy of Hurricane Ike our little wind storm caused 300,000 people lost their power, and we were one of them. So we spent 8 days without a luxury that we usually take for granted. It definitely gave me a better appreciation for our friend electricity. The one bright spot was that we have a gas water heater. I can handle just about anything as long as I get my daily hot shower. Mr. Big Boy was out of school all week, but of course grownups rarely get to miss school. So we spent a lot of time hanging out with friends and relatives during the day. We came to our dark home in the evening just in time for bed time. I was very reluctant to mess up the sleep situations for the boys. Sleep is precious, and if I can prevent a sleepless night for myself I will do whatever it takes!! So after the boys were asleep I was faced with the dilemna of entertaining myself. Of course my fiance was out of town for work, convenient I know. He really wanted to be here, that is what he told me repeatedly (cue eye roll)! So I would call him and beg him to talk to me, which of course was like pulling teeth. What is with guys and having a phone conversation over five minutes? So it was early to bed for me as well. The funny thing is that I usually want to turn in early when we have electricity, but when I have to that is another story. All in all it wasn't that bad, and it was kind of nice to visit with people rather than stare at a TV or computer. I found myself wanting to vacumn so bad. I also had a the fun experience of cleaning out the fridge at 5 am one morning because I couldn't sleep. We had to throw out all of our food, but our fridge was in desperate need of a good cleaning. Anyone else have a similar story to share?
I know anyone that anyone who is a mom is familiar with the term mommy guilt. It seems to be something that we were born with, and it shows its ugly head the moment we become pregnant. Every decision has to be thought about from every angle, and even after so much careful thought you will worry about the choice you have made. Mommy guilt does not reserve itself for the big stuff either...you can feel it on even the smallest issues. For example, your child asks for a piece of candy, and you say no. Way to go you, right? NO!! Now you start asking yourself...what's the big deal? Its just one piece of candy. Why do you always have to be so uncool? Your child probably wishes he had Sally's parents who always let her have candy whenever she wants. Why must you be the one who is so worried about their teeth and health in general? You can see how tormenting this can be for a mom. In a day you probably make many decisions, some big and some are small. So if you are constantly second guessing yourself how do you have the time do anything else? You don't of course, and that is why you feel guilty about the house not being spic- and- span. You worry that your husband or significant other thinks you nag them too much...which of course you do because if you didn't would anything ever get done? NO!!
So what we are seeing is that guilt can come from anywhere...and we are helpless to its evil voice. I'm sure that their are a few moms out there who don't have this issue...Those are the ones I aspire to be like. I would love to be confident in my choices...hopefully someday I willl!
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