Growing Up
October 26th 2008 13:42
In the past year or so Mr. Big Boy has became his own little person. Sometimes he catches me off guard with the maturity of his questions. For example, the a couple of weeks ago he asked me, "Mommy, If I died would you be sad?" I quickly tried to explain how sad I would be. Then he said, "You wouldn't just be happy with Mr. Babyman(his little brother)?" I explained to him if he was gone there would be a big hole in my heart forever, and even though I also loved his brother, things just wouldn't be the same. These questions about death make me very uncomfortable for a number of reasons. I don't want to think about something happen to my two delightful boys. The thought makes my stomach tense up and a feeling of dread overtakes me. I read stories, and watch shows about people who have lost children. I can't get through them without breaking down and crying myself. I also do not like to think about me dying, and my children being left without a mother. Would they know how much I love them? Would the always remember me?
It feels like in the past couple of years I have become more aware of the possibilty of death. It never was a big issue in my youth. I think when a person is young, you almost feel invincible. Dying is something that happens when you are older, much older. Now it is a worry in the back of my mind that only creeps out from time to time. Mr. Big Boy speaks about it so nonchantly that it scares me. He is only just learning of it, and has never really had to deal with it on a personal level with someone close to him. Of course this is the way I want it to stay for as long as possible. These thoughts make me want to make the most of every day, and work hard to become the person that I want to be.
It feels like in the past couple of years I have become more aware of the possibilty of death. It never was a big issue in my youth. I think when a person is young, you almost feel invincible. Dying is something that happens when you are older, much older. Now it is a worry in the back of my mind that only creeps out from time to time. Mr. Big Boy speaks about it so nonchantly that it scares me. He is only just learning of it, and has never really had to deal with it on a personal level with someone close to him. Of course this is the way I want it to stay for as long as possible. These thoughts make me want to make the most of every day, and work hard to become the person that I want to be.
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